


In the Darkest Place, There's the Faintest Light

by icandrawamoth



Series: Kinktober 2017 [31]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: (Briefly mentioned) - Freeform, Bathing/Washing, Comfort Sex, Crying, Depressed Galen Erso, Depression, Gentle Sex, Hand Jobs, Kinktober, Kinktober 2017, M/M, Shower Sex, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 10:09:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12628698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icandrawamoth/pseuds/icandrawamoth
Summary: When Bodhi walks in on Galen having a depressive episode, he does everything he can to help and comfort, drawing on his own experiences.





	In the Darkest Place, There's the Faintest Light

**Author's Note:**

> For Kinktober day thirty-one, which was a combo of previous prompts. This is for "shower/bath" and "hand-jobs." Title from Finding Neverland.

Bodhi is impatient from the moment he steps off the transport on Eadu. He taps his foot all through the checking and unloading process until one of the Stormtroopers asks snidely if he has someplace to be and he makes up a lie about being especially hungry and wanting to head for the commissary, ignoring the other man's laugh. He definitely has his mind on other things. Other people. _One_ other person.

As soon as he's free to leave, he does, practically sprinting down the halls of the refinery to Galen's room, probably observing the sneaky way they've been doing things far too little, but he's so eager to see the man he loves, he just can't slow himself down at the moment.

What he sees when the door slides open brings him up violently short. Galen is at his desk, slumped with his head in his hands, not even having looked up when at his entry. A second later, sound filters in: Galen is _crying_. He's never seen Galen cry before, and the shock of sets him into motion again.

“Galen?” he asks, moving forward slowly, hoping not to startle him.

“Bodhi?” He's still turned away, but at least he's acknowledging him. “I didn't know you were coming in today.”

“I commed at the beginning of the week,” Bodhi reminds him gently. “What's going on, Galen? Are you hurt?”

Galen's laugh is shrill and broken, and it startles Bodhi badly. “If only it were that simple,” the older man answers roughly. “Something bacta and antibiotics could fix. Not this...” – he waves his hand vaguely and finishes with utter bitterness – “ _life_.”

“What happened?” Bodhi asks, trying to calm his racing heart as he lays a tentative hand on the other man's arm. “Talk to me.”

“I've thought about killing myself,” Galen admits softly, and it's like a shot of ice water through Bodhi's veins.

“Galen-” he chokes.

The older man looks up at him, a strangely calm half-smile on his face. “Don't worry. It wouldn't make a difference, anyway. Krennic would still complete his death machine, and more people would die. At least here, regardless of my own misery, I delay that at least a little every time a new problem just 'happens' to come up.”

“Galen...” The way he's acting is terrifying, and Bodhi doesn't know what to do. “Listen to me.” He knees beside the chair, a hand on Galen's arm, looking plaintively up into those sorrowful brown eyes. He has no idea what he's going to say.

Before he can decide, though, Galen leans over and slots their lips together. Surprised by the gesture, Bodhi automatically leans into it. He feels a hand slipping into his hair, pulling him closer as the kiss becomes more heated, more desperate. He finally pulls away, gasping, and the wrecked look on Galen's face is devastating.

“We can't do this now,” Bodhi tells him shakily, nervously smoothing his ponytail.

“But I want you.” Galen leans in again.

“Stop it.” Bodhi keeps him at bay with a hand on his chest.

“Fine.” Galen jerks away. “Even the one good thing in my life rejects me.”

Bodhi gut twists. “That's not fair. I don't want to take advantage of you.”

“Please, take advantage of me.” Galen turns away with a laugh liken broken glass, and the sound almost instantly transforms into a sob. Without warning, he collapses forward onto the desk, face in his hands, shoulders shaking beneath the heavy gray of his uniform.

Bodhi is on his feet in a moment, hands fluttering nervously before landing on Galen, trying desperately for comfort.

“You don't understand how hard this is,” Galen mutters, barely distinguishable through his tears. “Being forced to work for the one who took your family from you. One who used to be a friend. I can still see Lyra's face when he... And having no idea what happened to Jyn a constant torture. Not even death as a way out.” He looks up at Bodhi, and the pilot could cry himself for the agony in his eyes. “And then there's you. Wonderful Bodhi.” The smallest of smiles. “I'm so afraid for you, always. You were in danger the first time you spoke to me, let alone what I've let this become.”

Bodhi shakes his head, smooths a bit of Galen's hair back from his face. “I'm here because I want to be here.” If only Galen understood the irony: how bad Bodhi feels that his lover's worries for him only add to his burdens.

“A bright spot in a dead galaxy,” Galen murmurs before succumbing to another bought of tears. He doesn't speak again, and Bodhi stands there for what feels like a long time, stroking his back and keeping silent vigil.

After awhile, Galen goes quiet, though he still shakes under Bodhi's hand. He still feels at a loss for how to help until a thought occurs to him. “Have you showered today?” Bodhi asks, thinking of the simple thing that always helps him feel better after a long haul - and that he tends to neglect when his own mental state isn't so good.

Galen groans softly, shaking his head.

“I know it sounds like a lot of work, but I think it'll help you feel a little better. I'll help you, and then you can get some rest. How does that sound?”

Galen considers for a moment, then nods silently, allowing Bodhi to coax him to his feet and lead him into the fresher. He's frighteningly pliant as Bodhi undresses him, and the younger man has to keep reassuring himself that this is a dark moment; Galen will get through it and be fine, be better. He's had enough of them himself to understand, but it's so different to see it on another, to be so helpless in the face of it.

Bodhi turns on the water, careful to make sure it's warm but not too hot. “Come on,” he murmurs to Galen when he has the spray set. “In we go.”

He eases the still-reluctant man into the stall, then climbs in after him. “Good?” he murmurs, and at Galen's mute, heavy nod, he has to put his arms around him, holding him close from behind as he murmurs just loud enough to be heard over the spray of the water, “You're going to be all right, Galen. I promise.”

Galen shivers under him but still doesn't speak. Accepting it, Bodhi moves as little away from him as he can to squeeze some soap into his hand. He spreads it across Galen's chest and stomach first, gentle but not sexual. He's just taking care of Galen now; that's all he wants. His arms are next, lather, rinse, repeat with his back.

Galen starts crying again at some point, and Bodhi lets him, only gentles his touches even more. _Let him get it out,_ he thinks. Bodhi would admit without shame to having cried under a nice warm shower himself on more than one occasion.

He continues, washes Galen's hair thoroughly, long, tender strokes through the smooth gray strands, a murmured word all Galen needs to know to dip his head for a rinse.

Eventually, Bodhi reaches the last part left uncleansed, holding Galen close as he runs a cloth between his legs and over his cock. He's gone hard during Bodhi's ministrations, but Bodhi merely cleans clinically before resting his hand on his hip. “Do you want this?” he asks finally.

“But earlier, you said-”

“I know what I said,” Bodhi interrupts softly. But it feels different now, now that he's more in control and Galen calmer - more like giving comfort than taking advantage.

“Please, Bodhi,” Galen breathes.

And he does. Bodhi lets himself touch, guiding Galen gently and steadily toward his orgasm with practiced fingers. When he clutches Bodhi's hip and gasps his name, Bodhi doesn't hesitate to tighten his grip just so - and feels his lover shake apart in his arms. He holds him close as he trembles through the aftershocks, pressing tender kisses to his neck as he listens to his breathing slowly return to normal.

“Let's get you to bed,” he murmurs when Galen finally goes slack against him. The older man groans, and Bodhi says, “I know, I know. Come on.” He shuts off the water and grabs the largest, fluffiest towel he can find (which isn't saying much for an Imperial complex) and wraps it around Galen, drying him as quickly and efficiently as he can, seeing as it looks like he's about to fall asleep standing up. Then he runs it over himself before tossing in a corner to be dealt with later and wrapping an arm around Galen to lead him from the room.

“Clothes?” he asks as they reach the bed, and Galen shakes his head as he all but collapses onto it. Bodhi forgoes clothes himself and goes in after him, arranging the blankets around him and cuddling up to Galen's side. It feels good to be close like this, all warm, still-damp skin resting comfortingly together. “Sleep,” Bodhi murmurs, dropping a kiss to Galen's hair as he stretches to switch the lights off. “Things will look better in the morning.” This he knows from experience, too.

 

\---

 

“Bodhi. Wake up, dear heart.”

Bodhi slowly swims to consciousness, following the voice - and the smell of hot food.

Galen is sitting on the bed next to him, looking down with this gentle, loving expression on his face. On his lap is a tray covered with the most delicious-looking food Bodhi has ever seen and a steaming mug of caf.

“Breakfast in bed?” Bodhi asks, eagerly accepting the drink.

A shadow falls across Galen's face. “I figured it was the least I could do after last night.”

Bodhi pauses where he's been about to take a drink and fixes Galen with a look. “You don't have to apologize for that,” he says seriously. “Really.”

Galen looks away, biting his lip. “I've never let anyone see me like that before. It's...not a part of myself that I like.”

Bodhi puts down the mug and takes Galen's hand, concern lancing through him. “Does that happen often when I'm not here?” He feels like he can't breathe while he waits for the answer.

“Not often. Not like that,” Galen says, and Bodhi realizes it for the admission it is.

“Look at me, Galen.”

Soft, troubled brown eyes fix on his.

Bodhi squeezes his hand. “This doesn't make you weak. You know that right?” he asks, and it's suddenly so vitally important that he understands. “Stuff like what you've gone through - what you're still going through - it messes people up. It's not your fault. You're so strong, Galen.”

Galen draws their clasped hands to his lips, kisses Bodhi's knuckles almost reverently. “As are you, my love. A much better man than I'll ever be. I know you said not to, but I still appreciate you being here for me. It meant a lot.”

“Always,” Bodhi promises, and he means it with his life. “Just promise you'll contact me if it gets this bad again. Or even if it's not this bad. Okay? I'll answer no matter what, any time or place. I don't want to imagine you having to go through this alone.”

“I will,” Galen says, and it sounds like relief. “Now eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”

He's changing the subject deliberately, and when he smiles, Bodhi knows it's mostly for his benefit. What happened last night, this talk now, it didn't fix Galen. Bodhi knows nothing that simple could right either of them entirely. But it helped, he thinks, and now Galen knows he's more than willing to be there for him next time. Bodhi smiles for him in return and starts to eat.


End file.
